RRRRAAAWWWRRRRRR, LET'S GO AND KILL VOLDERMORT!

Uhm yesh... so, it HAS been a while since I've actually updated, so long that I actually dunno what to say. But anyway, I think I've got something to talk about.

I cut my hair on Sunday (or rather... I paid someone to do it for me), it's now mega short and ruffleable ;D Sometime last night (still Sunday) I just thought to myself, I LOVE MY NEW HAIR. I was kind of panicking as she was cutting it so short.... knowing it's gonna take me AGES to get it back to the length it was. But I don't really care at the moment.

I was growing my hair to get a girlier look, and for something different (since about year 8, my hair has been no longer than shoulder length and layered), I wanted to experiment with my hair more and do it in cute up-dos and leaving it flowing -the sort of stuff you see on Bubzbeauty- so I could feel prettier. But..... It wasn't doing it for me. I was finding my hair EXTREMLY annoying and I wasn't liking how it looked. And I was fidning it harder to manage... just like before when my hair was long. I mean yes, it was before I used straightners and before I REALLY cared about my apperance, but it was so hard. I know I'd miss washing my hair and having it dry in next to no time. I also didn't really like how I looked either... once again, it was before I had a side fringe which I LOVE and never want to grow out again... but the long hair didn't look right. So I though... is that really going to change? In the present, I wasn't liking my apperance very much. I wasn't going as far to think I was ugly or anything... no, I usually get a "Waaahhh, I hate how I look etc etc" bi annually and I've already had one so... look forward to autumn XD But, I still more often than not didn't like how I was looking for a night out with the maily or something.

So, I had it all cut off. And now I love it. But here's the kicker... I sort of want to look more boyish >//< Basicallllllyyyy, it's a long story on how I originally thought about this, but I think I need to build up my own self-esteem so I can be myself all the time. My confidence around people has got better, to the point where I can always act myself around my friends, but they're the people who don't care about your apperance... and people you can act yourself around anyway (it's sad that I've only been able to do that the last few years).

Anyway, here's how it is. I've recently came out as Bi to most of my friends, and I don't mind. But, we'll just ignore this for now (note, I BECAME Bi, and I do tend to like more guys than girls... but I've had enough crushes on girls to qualify as Bi now methinks) and think about the guys. Okay, there have been MANY attractive guys in my life who I think are very good looking... and I naturally like guys as they look. So I thought to  myself... I look like a girl but I don't find myself AT ALL attractive or good looking... so I thought about looking more guyish. I found myself prefering how I look in a baggy t-shirt and some jeans -as a side note, I also prefer the sleeve length on guys tops- as opposed to a REALLY girly top. I was driving my mom mad when we went shopping... I just wasn't liking all the girly stuff she was picking out. But yeah... I find guys attractive, so when I look more like a guy I just prefer how I look... becuase I look like something I find attractive.
I make no sense XD
Don't get me wrong, I do like some girly clothes. One of my favourties outfits I own is very girly, and I don't mind. See... I'm not gonna be a crossdresser (although I've always wanted to say "Yes, I am an executive transvestite) because I do like how I look as a girl sometimes.

yeah.... got that off my chest.... Gonna leave it there for now. And try to avoid neglecting my LJ from now on XD

Peace Out x

Happy, Holly?

xD

... for everyone's kind words in my last journal. Seriously, you guys are amazing and I love and adore every single one of you.

How am I now? Much better thank you. All of you helped that, your advice was amazing and your words of confidence helped me feel better about myself. For example, whilst I don't think I'm drop dead sexy or anything... or particularly pretty for that matter, I know that in the world, some people find me pretty and say that to me. And they're the people that matter. We're our own worst critic, but our friends can be the best confidence boosters in the world. Something kind of funny happened the other day, I did that thing where you're in your underwear (sorry for anyone who had that image then) and suck in your tummy to luck thinner... and something hit me, if I were HUGELY thinner... I would look awful. I used ot be thin, but that was when I lacked curves. If I suddnly lost everything around my middle then I would be horrible out of proportion. That's not saying I wouldn't liek to lose a little... but I don't feel huge anymore.

Friend at college is still being a pain... as Char knows (thanks for listening to my rant), BUT... it's becoming rarer now. I'm starting to talk to other people now and it's much better for me. When she's nice, she's lovely... and THAT'S the girl I made friends with, not the moody alternative. I knwo we all have our bad days, I see that in all of my friends... I just wish she wouldn't ALWAYS take it out on me. Heck, she could have least PRETENDED she was happy for me with my AS result (two marks off an A =D). She said "Well done" but that was IT. The rest of my class seemed to care more about my good result than she did. Bless them <3

So I now have an SLR, I called it Pavel (not names after Chekov... nope, certianly not DX). We did another green screen shoot and they came out much better. I am much, much happier with them now. I guess I was just having a bad day... it really didn't help that I was seriously ill on the day.

So yeah... I seriously love you all guys! Thank you all for your awesome and kind words. Sometimes, a friend is all you need... but then along came six. I was so happy. You all rule and are all very beautiful people, inside and out <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 (one for each of you)

Sorry guys, a bit of a whiney journal again, but I need to let this all out before I end up screaming!

I'm not feeling to confident about myself, I'm basically looking in the mirror most days and HATING what I see. It's not jsut that... I may have had a bad day but just recently I've wanted to scream at myself. I guess I haven't been feeling all that well today which hasn't helped very much with confidence and how I see myself exactly... but it's getting a little out of hand now.

I basically hate my apperance. Yup. I want to join a gym becuase I hate my weight and dress size... I miss the days when I fitted comfortable in to a size 10, sure, I'm tall and it's not going to happen anymore, but I don't like be a 14-16, it kind of gets me down. Especially when one of my friends who is exactly the same height as me can actually wear size10 clothes with ease. One of the more lighter tings about this journal is that I got chatting to a couple of my friend's friends, Diana and Miriam who are both really nice and we've sort of arranged to perhaps run together, or join a gym together. I think we'll all be more motivated if we're doing it together. They're beautiful though, I can't see why they fuss about themselves... then again, it's what we do. I guess I'm doing it now. I just height how I luck, i have no figure anymore... I'm all lumpy and my brother doesn't help with his "You're gonna get fat" comments... he means it as a joke, I know that... but when I never hear anyone say anthing good about my body or size anymore it gets me down more than it should. It's not liek I'm a narcist or anything, I odn't wnat people stopping me in the streets and saying "You're figure is amazing" or anything... I just miss feeling ocnfident about myself with other people's words, so I lose confidence in myself.

I also really hate my face. I know some people who read this will roll their eyes but I really do. I mean, I don't shy away from camera becuase I know I can get annoyed when people do that (not in the bad way of course, I just mean that you may as well pull a silly face or smile than turn away, becuase thne I think you look even mroe riddiculous), but I don't look forward to seeing the photos. I just hate my face on them, I know for a fact that I'm not photogenic, I can't see why ANYONE would want to take pictures of me. I added a guy I really like on Facebook not long ago, I wrote on his wall and he hasn't replied, that hasn't got me down... I didn't expect anything really. It was just what I began to think on the bus afterwards, why would he even WANT to talk to me? He is a young, good looknig guy who is also fiarly popular... why would he ever bother with me? Why would ANYONE ever bother with me? I'll say it... I actually think I'm really ugly. God I sound like such a whiney bitch don't I? Sorry to trouble you guys with this but I can barely keep it in any longer...
I saw some photos of me at Midlands Expo with some of my friends, they looked AMAZING! So pretty and they all have amazing smile... and then there was my face and in the end, I had to crop myself out... I just really detested my stupid spackery smile... and the horrible thing is, that's my natural smile. And I hate it. It's gotten so bad that I nearly considered giving up cosplaying... just so other people's photos wouldn't be ruined by myself. I considered just bein a photographer, but something else came up (more below).

So many other things are bothering me too, like my closest friend in Graphics... who actually makes me pretty upset. It's so horrible of me to think like this, but she is so self-centred, I didn't think anyone could be like that. She NEVER asks me about myself, or if she knows something has happened over the weekend she'll NEVER ask about it, yet I remember to ask about her weekend. Also, if I'm talking, she'll often interupt with something pointless or about herself, I drives me so mad sometimes. Not to mention hse can actually sya some qite nasty comments, and I don't like myself when I'm around her. I find I have much more fun with other members of my class, like the two Chris', or whenever I'm with Rob or Ryan or Reiss... they're very nice but, it's too late to try and become close to them. I'm pretty much stuck with her. It's easier with the two Chris's becuase they work near us. But sometimes I wish it was just me and them, not me them and her (uhm yeah, somehow I feel slightly better if I DON'T say her name... her isn't being derogative, it's jsut me trying ot avoid saying it xD).

So what I was saying about photography... well we did a photoshoot today with a green screen (we did a white screen the Friday before half-term, but I was going to London) and it went pretty shit to be honest. I don't like ANY of my photos, I was making a lot of simple errors that I should have noticed. But loads of people were taking photos at the same time so it was all a bit of a hassle. My photography teacher told me later that he wasn't happy with how the lesson went out, he told me what he wanted... and I had tried to do stuff like that. But I ended up having a mindblank and oculdn't remember what I wanted people to do. Plus, in the end, we were all getting the same photos DX I didn't feel unique or creative, I actually really hated that lesson. It's the first time I've ever hated a photography lesson.
 I started to question my own skills as a wannabe photographer... and then it occured to me that there is no way that I have the skills to ever even slightly make it. I can't even realise that waring sunglasses in a studio with lights blazing at you is a BAD PHOTO. I wish I could have had more time in that lesson, I really wnated to experiment with depth of field... but in the end, they'd have looked rubbish too. Why? Becuase I needed to use flash... my camera just oculdn't cope, and I oculdn't adjust the shutter speed at all. And apparently my flash was not only ruining my photos, but other peoples as well. Not the best comment I've heard all day. My photography teacher asked me not to use my camera next week, but used the shared SLR... but I HATE using that becuase photos get mixed up and you may accidently find your work in someone elses book. I've actually ocnsidered going into my bank account this weekend and buying an SLR for next lesson... that's how much I DON'T want to use it >=

I also hate my attitude. Just now, I got inwardly pissed off at a guy in my class for uploading the photos I took of EVERYONE to his Facebook account... when I EDITED AND UPLOADED THME WHEN I WAS EXHAUSTED! I really needed sleep becuase I was ill, and I KNOW my classmates are going to comment on his and not mine. The horrible thing is... I know he didn't mean anything by it. He probably just wanted to record them, but couldn't have he just done it on his computer? I like recieving photo comments, but he's going to get them all ,even though I took the bloody photos. I jsut got so annoyed, but I haven't said anything to him. I don't want too.

Ugh... sorry everyone. I actually dunno if anyone will read this. I don't think many people appreciate me whining. It's been extremly hard to write this, it's taken me hours simply becuase I've burst into tears at the end of every paragraph.

I may come across as optimistic most of the time... but I think this is the true me. A horrible reality isn't it?

If you read this (even if we're not LJ buddies), please post a comment with a completely fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want, but it has to be fake!

When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your LJ and see what your friends come up with.

Stolen from Couldbeonfire... lulz were had!

I really must update this thing more often, although I often find it hard to write about something, I dunno what part of my boring life will interest you guys xD Anyway, OBEY THE TENNANT!

I did my English A-level Exam the other day (note, when I say the other day... I can usually mean up to a month ago xD) and it went pretty crap... but thankfully, ALL OF MY CLASS thought theres went crap. And the beauty of doinga BTEC is that if I do a resit, I won't have any other exams clashing. 8D I hope I don't though, I'll be dissapointed in myself. However, I struggled ot death with poetry, the poem was fine... it was just the unseen text >.< The novel question went okay though.... I'm hoping it'll booost my mark a bit. The UTTER CRAM the night before and during the morning seriously helped.

The thing that I whined about a couple of journals back... first of all, thank you so much Char, you really helped me. Secondly, nothing's been resolved, it never will be... but I'm coping better now. To the point of nto caring in the slightest, my friends helped me there. Even when I mention her I RARELY get upset, even if the topic of her is pretty dire. I don't think I can waste my time on her anymore... it's not healthy for me.

I've done a few fashion shoots over the last couple of weeks, they have been so much fun =D I love photography my friends, some are easier to work with than others, but others have more confidence, which is understandable. I hope to do some more for my school project in the next couple of weeks, if my models want too that is. I don't want to stop though... I'm becoming a bit of restless photographer, so much that I have a sort of... mini project planned. Something which emphasies the love for my geeky friends, anyone who I've met (which is the majority of you) I'd LOVE for you to be involved... Becuase I love you all! I even love the people I haven't met.

I've recently got into Star Trek 8D I've already got a favourite pairing in it... even though I make TONS in it. Stupid yaoi-ism....

Spekaing of nothing in particular, I've recently discovered the webiste Tv Tropes..... SO ADDICTIVE! It is currently my main source of procrastination, it's hard to leave once you've gone in. It's liek wikipedia... only SO MUCH COOLER! And it's given me TONS of ideas for original ideas... evne though it basically lists common themes xD

Not sure what else too write....uhm... It's kind of scary that I went out wearing a red shirt and nearly got hit by a truck....

Doing the rainbow meme, here are the rules:

Leave me a comment saying "rainbow".
I'll respond by asking you five questions so I can get to know you better.
Update your journal with the answers to the questions.
Include this explanation in the post and offer to ask other people questions.


And now my questions from.... PANDAROSI!


1) List the best things about England in your opinion!
Okay, basically it's general fantasy epicness. So many stories are inspired by British History and culture (especially Medieval Period), I love reading them. It can have SO MANY WEATHERS in the course of a few hours. It has a lot of awesome accents. There are so many beautiful views as well, I love travelling the country.

2) What Fandom were you in before Hetalia? Are you still in it? 
 Oohhh, now you're asking me. I think I was rekindling my love for Harry Potter. I was watching a lot of HP related stuff at the time. I still ADORE it of course, especially when I met Malfoy. It's actually my longest running fandom =D

3) Your favorite Disney film and why!
That's like asking me to choose my favourite child! Uhm... it's a tie between Mulan and The Lion King. Mostly because of their humour, story, and MUSIC! Oh gawd I LOVE their songs. But those two never fail to make me laugh. So they're my faves =D

4) Your best memory.
I have several... all involving different people for different reasons. I guess the time when my whole immediate family and I were at the park on Christmas Day... we had it to ourselves and we were just acting like goofs. I was texting many of my friends too, so it felt like thye were there. It was so fun! =D

5) Your biggest hope for the future. <3
Hmmm.... good one. A toss up between becoming an author... or for my Coexistance Project to work. Big dreams though xD

So.... GIMMIE YOUR QUESTIONS!

... It's something we're all capable of, but we don't all realise it. I was called "The most optimistic opitmist I've ever met"... well yes and no, I guess how I presented myself to her was that I have a positive view of the world and that I'm gnerally always happy. Not always the case though, you HAVE NOT seen me throw a screaming fit, and you don't.

However, I do feel that I am indeed a pretty optimistic person. I've been travelling on buses a lot recently; and they've been giving me a lot of time to think. I sometimes wonder WHY I'm pretty optimistic, what made me the kind over the top happy person I usually am. It does usually depend on my surroundings, perhaps I've made friends with the right people... I never used to be this "happy". With one of my ex-best friends I was pretty much forced to agree with everything she thought, and they were pretty dire. However, my optimism now kicks in... I've know learnt from that experience at a young age NEVER to do that again. Best learn when you're younger and "sorry" is pretty reasonable. I know, ADORE things that I used to have a false hatred of. Ever since that girl and I fell out... people noticed a change in me, as did I i want to know why I'm so optimistic

Cause 1: Real life experiences

Now, I have a friend who is very pessemistic. To put it bluntly, he wants the world to end. He is a hardcore atheists and HATES the fact that I'm a Christian. One time, he was grilling me about how horrible the world was and that there's no hope in it, and that I'm a fool for believing that there is. I eventually hit him with a quote from my mom "There are more nice people in this world than nasty" and he said "Do you really believe that? No one in this world deserves to exist." The whole coversation shuck me horribly, it was in a rather bitter tone that I said goodbye to him later that day.
I thought about that not long ago, I knew it couldn't be true... for example, I know much more nice people than I do nasty. Although maybe I've just got into the right crowd? Possibly... but let me but it into statistics for you.
This event is true, I witnessed it a couple of weeks ago. I was coming out from a shop and I saw a bus arrive, it was the one I needed (but it was mega early so I knew it would wait) so I sped-walked towards it. In the doorway of the bus I saw two boys picking on a young girl, they eventually pushed her off the bus. Two nasty people. Then, some people rushed over to see if she was okay. Then more came (including me by that time) and helped her to her feet whilst someone checked her cut on her leg. People ran out of the bus to check on her and also began to tell of the boys. The bus driver himself came out and threatended to call the police because of what they'd done. I don't remember how many people helped her, it was too many.
Think about it.
Nasty People = 2
Nice People = Countless

I haven't had anything REALLY horrible happen me in my life. For some people, you can understand exactly why they're depressed. I did go very near depression once, but I KNEW that staying depressed would not solve anything at all. So I recovered and I became happy again. I have been bullied for most my life, but when it got better, even slightly, it made a huge difference to me. I grew in confidence and I became likeable again. Then again, I haven't had a close family member or friend die yet, I haven't had major money problems, I've never had a boyfriend to be cheated on. They're some of the main causes of depression, and I haven't experienced those yet. Maybe that's why I have such a good view on life... who knows?

I have been surrounded by good people for all of my life... perhaps that is why I'm so happy. But the again, good people also attract good people. Think about that...

Cause 2: Faith

I won't dwell on this one, I can already see some of my firm atheist friends are rolling their eyes. But please listen to me, I AM NOT GOING TO PREACH. Well, I go to a youth group which teaches you about the moral stories in the Bible, and how they can help you in life. It's through these that I feel I may have become a more optomistic person. Also, I am not an extremist. I do not protest outside Civil Parternships or the funeral of a gay person (unlike sooommmeee people *hackcoughWestboro Baptist Churchcough* shit heads). In fact, I am a Straight Christian for Gay Rights. If someone tells me they're gay I'm like "'kay", it's just another piece of information about them for me. I don't judge people by their sexuality, quite frankly, I don't care. Nor do I judge people by religion (okay the above comment isn't backing that up very well... okay just look them up DX). Someone could come up to me and tell me they're whatever religion and I wouldn't mind. You know why? Because I don't judge people based on religion. It's about the PERSON and the choices they make. Perhaps that's why I'm happier... I don't want to judge based on the exterior of a person.

Cause 3: Those Little Things

I dunno what it is... but the smallest thing makes me happy. One of the more recent ones is when bus drivers drive past each other and give each other a little wave I think that is so cute! And I really do love seeing it. I dunno why it makes me so happy... but it does. It can make the HOUR of waiting the freezing rain for a bus worth it. Also, if I'd had taken another one, I wouldn't have met that really nice lady who I had a lengthy chat to about Dudley, and rollercoasters... not together obviously.

But very small thing do make me happy, the smell of toast in the morning, a bus ride or walk in the morning where the world is just waking up... although nature already has, writing to friends, inside jokes, hearing enjoyable conversations, watching friends make up after a fight, seeing the quick and lovely twinkle of delight in childrens eyes

... Like just now I watched Hetalia Episode 46 AND IT WAS ENGLAND'S MARU KAITE CHIKYUU AT THE END! OMG!!!!!!!!!!

I of course, love the big things, like friends and family.. but the little thing mean so much to me too.

Cause 4: Good Company

Online and in the real world, I have made so many friends in the past year. I've made best friends in record time, something that would take some local people years to achieve. But through friends and random wackyness, I have met some of the best people in the entire world. Every person I meet means something too me. This is why I do and I don't get Expo Blues. I can feel a little sad that it's all over for a while, but I recover quickly. There's a thing called "adding people", I make the effort to find the people I met and become thier friend. This is how I recover, I make the effort to know them. And through this, I have made so many lovely friends who are not only there for me, but cheer me up with theirprecious memories and funny lines. My friends (you know who you are), I love and adore all of you.

I have joined a few websites, the Anthony Horowitz MessageBoard, Gaia... and I have made wonderful friends on there who I will love and adore forever. Heck, us lot on the AH Board don't plan to lose each other when we grow out of him (nevaaaarrrr!)... but there was one website I'll never regret joining, Circle of Friends Penpal club. One of my old, girly magazines "Mizz" mentioned it as a great way of making friends... I did make some friends on their, we were all VERY young though. However, I made a friend for life. My best friend Rayne ~KokiriMango who listens when I RAGE, who joins in when I LOL, who doesn't mind my endless RANTS (too right, she rants MOAR), and who is COMING TO SEE ME IN APRIL! HELL YEAH! She is good company, she is what makes me optimistic. But... she is one of many. You know who you all are

I'm gonna leave it there for now, before it all turns too soppy. Or maybe it's because I've just watched Never Mind The Buzzcocks with DAVID TENNANT in it and I'm in a rather silly mood...

(NOTE: I also uploaded this on DA, but I wanted to share it with people who don't use it)

Okay there are a lakc of definite events, and I've only planned half of the year anyway (in terms of cosplay and events... I'll probably rewear cosplays at other events however).

2010 Cosplay List

Midlands MCM Expo Feb

Nymphadora Tonks- Harry Potter

KitaCon 2010

Austria (Casual or Brown Coat version depending on time)- Axis Powers Hetalia
Tonks
Possible re-wear Train or Yousei-san- Black Cat and Axis Powers Hetalia respectively

London MCM Expo May 2010

Austria Brown Coat- Axis Powers Hetalia
Estonia- Axis Powers Hetalia

Side Projects

Secret Cosplay xD Uhm, not helpful but there are three that I really wanna do but for fear of being laughed at or for general surprise I'm not telling anyone. For two of them, I actually need to be tanned xD
Toboe - Wolf's Rain
Possilby Switzerland - Axis Powers Hetalia
Possibly Hungary - Axis Powers Hetalia

The possilby ones are possilby because of time, commitment and... I dunno if I'll be as into Hetalia by then. Probably, but who knows?